If you’re gonna have sex, make sure he’s a Jew . . . (and other tales of HIV testing)

image by Lanecia Rouse

As an HIV testing specialist, I often hear some of the darnedest things whenever I ask people if they’ve had their recommended annual HIV screening yet. I hinted at them in a letter I wrote to “Stigma” a few months back, but my coworkers and I really get a kick out of some of the things we hear, so I thought I’d share them here.

And, believe it or not, I’m not joking or exaggerating about these:

HER: Weeeeelllll . . . I’ll take one . . . Oh, but wait! Where are you from?
ME: Ummm . . . I grew up in South Carolina.
HER: Are you sure?
ME: Ummm . . . yes.
HER: I just want to make sure you’re not from Africa or something putting voodoo on that stick.
ME: Hmmm . . . no ma’am. I don’t know voodoo.

Cue the convulsions and chanting as I did her mouth swab (Ok . . I did exaggerate that part, but I definitely wish I had done that).

+++

HIM: Oh, no no no no. I don’t need a test.
ME: But have you had one before?
HIM: Oh, no no no. I’ve never had an HIV test because I’ve never had HIV.
Crickets.
ME: Well, sir, it’s always good to get a test and know your status for certain, and it’s just a free mouth swab.
HIM: Oh no no no! I know how some people get the flu for a little while when they take the flu shot . . . I don’t want to do anything like that.
ME: Sir, are. you. kidding. me. Are you seriously kidding me? We’re not going to give you HIV for a little while with this voodoo stick.
(ok ok . . . I didn't really say that; I only wish that I had).

+++

HER: Oooohhhh . . . I’ve seen that on CSI before. You’re trying to steal my DNA.

+++

HER: I don’t need a test. I’m not promiscuous.
Meanwhile the young lady sitting next to her has decided there’s no way she can take the test. If she says yes, then everyone will think she is promiscuous.

+++

HER: No, thanks. I’m a Christian. I don't do those kinds of things.
ME: Oh, we test Christians all the time. No worries. And some of them are (gasp!) HIV+ even!
Well, I didn’t gasp, but . . . you know the deal . . . I certainly wish I had.

+++

HER: I’m a mother! And I’ve been married for 13 years! And I believe in God! How dare you come in here and give me an HIV test!”
(slightly paraphrased from my coworker who was yelled at by this married God-fearing woman today)

+++

HIM: Oh, we don’t need tests; Jews and Catholics don’t get HIV.

Awesome.


The moral of this story is, if you’re gonna sleep with someone, clearly Yahweh and Mother Mary are keeping their people in check, so these are your safest bachelors and bachelorettes!

Or maybe the real moral of the story is that everyone has a different sexual story—maybe you are celibate or delaying sex or married to your one sexual partner or have a different sexual partner with each change of underwear. Whatever your story, the story of public health is this: all of us should be tested at least once in our lives, most of us should be tested once each year (yes, even if we’re married, observe the Sabbath or say our Hail Marys regularly) and some of us should be tested every 3-6 months if we participate in high-risk behaviors.

And definitely, if you’re in a setting where someone is promoting HIV testing publicly, never allow any of the above absurd comments to fall from your lips. It does nothing to help get more at-risk populations comfortable with testing, and there’s never a reason to be offended by an HIV test or ignorant about HIV. Simply say, “yes!” It really doesn’t hurt to even get tested again for the sake of public health—especially when there are no needles involved. Or decline if you wish, but do so with respect and say, “but I’m really glad that you offer this free test. It’s important for everyone to know his or her status.”

And HIV knows no race, gender, age, socio-econimic level or religious affiliation, despite popular (or should I say questionable?) belief.

If there are any other HIV testers out there reading this, I’d love to hear some of the interesting things you’ve heard before . . .

And in Disturbing Pop Culture News . . .

Jessica Simpson’s new album features a cover of Patty Griffin’s poetic, powerful breakup song “Let Him Fly.” On Simpson's forthcoming album A Public Affair The beautifully-crafted song by Griffin (also covered by the Dixie Chicks) is only separated by a few songs from a song co-authored by Simpson called “Push Your Tush.” Possibly a shoutout to her Dukes of Hazzard days, the song has classy lyrics such as "baby it's a hoedown, we can get lowdown 'round here/ take it to the floor now, we can get our flow down 'round here/ cowgirls, cowboys, make noise 'round here."**

Now, I'm not a pop princess hater. I've danced to Spears' "Slave for You." I've turned up the radio to Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man." Jessica even sings a song I've played on repeat back in the day: "Did You Ever Love Somebody?"

It's just that I like "Let Him Fly." And I especially like it without all of the breathy pop accents and pauses between every consonant.

Seriously.






**lyrics to the song are not released online yet; these are the lyrics I heard, so forgive me if they are incorrect

Baby Got Book!

Well, I thought MyPraize.com, the Christian copy of MySpace.com, was the epitome of our ridiculous antics to be in but not of the world. Then I discovered this video, Baby Got Book, which you must see! It's simultaneously creative and disturbing. But always good for a laugh! Always count on "Preacher-Mix-a-Lot" to tell it like it is!

Excuse me, Mr. President?

There are days when I'm just blinded by President Bush's brilliance!

Kudos to my friend Justin for sending this via e-mail!

S.O.S: Save Our State!

South Carolina--home of Confederate battle flag controversy--may have a new flag flying on its capitol building in a few years. The long oppressed white Anglo-Saxon Christian may rise again under the red, white and blue Christian flag in the state, which was the first to secede the Union in 1860.

Now I've been away from South Carolina for years, and I did not know about ChristianExodus.org. So this news is new to me. A group of people led by Cory Burnell of California will be moving into South Carolina with the "express purpose of re-establishing Godly, constitutional government." Their plan? Concentrate as many Christian conservatives in one area so that they can take over the state and actually get what they want (because we all know that Christian conservatives have not gotten what they want in the 2000 and 2004 elections). Then they will go to areas of South Carolina where the electorate is already super conservative so that they can elect so-called Christian constitutionalists to be in leadership. End result? A South Carolina with the freedom to be Christian conservatives (because South Carolina just doesn't have enough of those). The group will eventually run its own government apart from the United States of America.

Another secession for South Carolina? Well, they don't really use that terminology on their Web site. But certainly their name implies they're exiting. Their theme Scripture suggests that they will leave: "Come out of her, my people, that ye be not partakers of her sins..." Revelation 18:4.

I do not know their membership numbers. Maybe it's not a strong movement at all. But they have a clear strategy and determined purpose. This leaves me with no other thought but that my home state is at risk.

So, my fellow South Carolinians, stay strong! Save our state!

I'm Back!/Your lesbian is due back in 45 minutes . . . late fees will ensue!

Ok . . . so I've returned to the blog world after my tiny hiatus from computer life. In the meantime, I've been blessed to have my sister return from England and be my roommate for a few weeks. Lanecia is the new youth pastor at the church I attend, so we're back in the same city again for the first time since high school. It's lovely! Until she's able to move into her apartment in September, we're sharing the same bed again for the first time since kindergarten, I think. Not quite as lovely!

Lanecia flew into New York City, and we drove down from NYC to Nashville via South Carolina. In SC we visited my maternal grandparents, my aunt, my cousin, my paternal great-grandmother and great-aunt/uncle. I've not seen any of them in so long, it seems. We enjoyed being in their presence again even though our time was limited. Granny is 94-years-old and looking wonderful!

Life is good; I can't complain!

============

Wanting to know more about gay people, but not quite sure you want to be their friend? Curious about Islam, but not quite sure you want to step into a mosque and ask a question or two? Well, Sweden has the answer for those of us in the world ready to take our curiosity one step further but not quite far enough to step completely out of our comfort zones! How about going to the library and, instead of checking out a book on Eastern religions, rent your very own Hindu person for 45 minutes: http://www.planetout.com/news/article.html?date=2005/08/17/4.

I applaud this Swedish library's desire to promote diversity. Maybe in their 45 minutes together, people will decide to further develop relationship with each other, realizing that you cannot truly know a culture or understand a person in 45 minutes. It's sad, however, that the library has to offer space for such interaction. Do we divide ourselves so much that we must rely on the booklenders to loan us people now? Are we that confused about creating community?

I'd like to shake my head and say this is a problem of Swedish culture and their lack of integration. Unfortunately, though, I learned that you have a different experience in their country depending on which South Africa you visit: the Indian one, the black one, the white one or the coloured one. Their libraries may need to do some people-lending, too. And we're not so happily integrated in the USofA, either. At the Duke Youth Academy a few years ago, counselors and youth had to fill out sheets to talk about how many people in our close circles of friends (the friends frequently visiting our homes) are of a different race, socio-economic class, sexual orientation, etc. Sadly, most of us could not claim interaction with people not like ourselves. Just the other week, Lanecia told a story and mentioned her Islamic friends. When she said this, a woman to whom she was speaking questioned, "Do you mean Islamic friends who are now Christian?" She asked more questions, unable to wrap her mind around Lanecia having "friends" who are not Christian.

Maybe people-lending is on our horizon, as well.

Or could we dare, as absurd as it may seem, to know our neighbors?

Six Flags over Jesus! Hallelujah!

Ok . . . my sister Lanecia brought this to my attention: a British businesswoman is working to bring the Bible alive through an amusement park called Ark Alive.

Hmmm . . . ok.

Tired of the humdrum of unholy, heathen amusement parks? Visit Ark Alive--where the children of God have fun two-by-two!

Missing that mountaintop camp high? Ride "Thunder Mountain"--where God miraculously delivers the tablets of commandments right as the coaster hits the peak!

Wrestling with the book of Revelations? Visit "Tommorowland" to be in the midst of the exciting day of reckoning!

Walk through the biblical lists of lineage on "It's a Small World After All" and discover just how many degrees Jesus is separated from King David.

Don't look for the living among the dead . . . visit Jesus at "Resurrection House!" He may even sign your Christ-keteer crown of thorns, too! (Morning communion with Jesus is available if you stay at the Upper Room Hotel and Resort for an additional small fee. Other characters such as Andrew, Peter, James and John sometimes attend these meals, too. This is an Ark Alive exclusive!)

Ok, ok, I'll stop! But what do you think? Evangelism tool or more Christian capitalism?

Graded for Fat?

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1325025/posts

Report Card
Reading -- A
Wrting -- A-
Arithmetic -- B
PE -- C
BMI -- F . . . for Fat.

Teacher's Comments:
Please raise your BMI or you will die.
Timmy is a joy to have in the class!